Smiling makes my face hurt

Moving along

“There is a flickering light bouncing off the table into your eyes
and I can’t help but want to catch it…” M. Ferrick

The floors are all done. Thank goodness. But you know I never knew that it would be easier to empty the rooms of all the items holding up all the spaces in between, than it is to fit it all back together again. It seems to be a very large jigsaw puzzle and well I lost a few pieces or something because nothing wants to fit and everything wants to push its way into my lap. I am clinging to the idea of tossing it all. Because really … we have to let go of things or ideas or dreams or whatever if we are to ever have new ones  find a place within us. We have a finite amount of space within ourselves or around ourselves. It’s up to us what we choose to fill up that space. Sometimes to make room, we need to rotate things out and bring new things in.

As everything is – this is easier said than done.

It’s getting close to the one year anniversary of my head injury. It is just over a month away now. And that has made me wonder … what was I thinking this time last year? What was it I was planning to do … And isn’t it so easy to have it not matter one iota because life has a way of coming in when you least expect it and tossing things around until it is all skewed and questionable. Really when you think about it, we know nothing about the future and very little about the past. And the present, well it moves along so quickly we can barely grasp it at all.

I guess the trick is to try and enjoy all of it. And try to learn something from some of it. But it can’t be that simple… can it?

Thursday winds down

“Be daring, be different, be impractical; be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.”

~Cecil Beaton (1859-1941) French philosopher

Michelle Malone and Band in Nashville

Michelle Malone and band- Nashville

Michelle Malone – Nashville

Keeping up with the Joneses

In the process currently of having hardwood floors installed in the house. The floor thus far has been installed in the living room and the dining room. Looks like the hallway and the two bedrooms are next. The floor well it looks shiny and new and damn spiffy. However it also has made me paranoid as every step I take causes me to worry that I might be leaving a mark or a scratch. I am trying desperately to convince myself that a scratch or a scuff would only add character to the floor … what I have learned is I am not very convincing.

Now I have to pack up and move all my computer stuff, books and other unmentionables (fill in with your own imagination) from the bedrooms into the dining room and living room before Tuesday. Hopefully they can get the floors finished on Tuesday because frankly these guys are leaving the cat skittish and me well I am feeling cluttered. And me well I don’t do well when things are out of order.

After the floors are finished I am going to get on the ball (I hope) and paint the dining room. Then the hallway. Then remove a cabinet door out of the kitchen, take it outside to begin the process of refinishing them. All the while I have to keep up with exercise, biking, finishing the books I am reading, adding distance to my runs, engage in more weight training as well as the painting and repair on the outside. I am sure there is more. Perhaps it would be safer if I dragged things out.

The only time frame I am on is my own, right? Isn’t that a thought we all should embrace or think or strive for?

Addendum: I decided to take off this afternoon and get a bike ride in. I knew it was going to be rough going because my thoughts were overwhelmed with all the things I need to be doing. I could not get in the groove in the ride. I couldn’t focus. Every bump and gnarly tree root popping out seemed momentous and a hazard. So it goes that it only makes sense that I would have my first tumble of the year. Unfortunately it was off a narrow space of trail down about 3 feet to the ground below. Woopsie. And yes I whacked my head (which was encased in a helmet). Getting out of the hole I was cussing and spewing irritation because the fall was due to my lack of focus and I know that. I went ahead and rode back over most of the trail which had caused me to fall. And what I did after the fall was to ride with an aim for all the tough spots rather than seek an easy way out. So to draw this to a close – looks like my head is ok (I hit the non dented side) and I didn’t break anything but darn my shoulder is sore. Oddly I don’t recall the impact on the shoulder.

Life will always throw us down when we are not paying attention. When we are not focused. When we allow things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, to draw our focus away from things that do matter..

“Right now, and in every now-moment, you are either closing or opening. You are either stressfully waiting for something–more money, security, affection–or you are living from your deep heart, opening as the entire moment, and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without waiting. If you are waiting for anything in order to live and love without holding back, then you suffer. Every moment is the most important moment of your life. No future time is better than now to let down your guard and love. Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds. Opening from heart to all, you live as a gift to all. In every moment, you are either opening or closing. Right now, you are choosing to open and give fully or you are waiting. How does your choice feel?”

–David Deida, from 365 Nirvana, Here and Now by Josh Baran

Sometimes even he wants to stick his tongue out and go pffft

Rethinking

My thoughts have been running circles around my golf clubs which have been stowed these past few years, deep within my small cluttered bedroom closet. Wonders it is that such a small closet could manage to hide so many things. Even an entire set of clubs resting in their bag.

I was thinking lately of dragging them out, dusting them off and taking a swing or two out at the driving range. Somehow I have not as yet come to grips with why I pushed them into the closet without so much as a second glance. There was a time when playing golf or a trip to the driving range would be something I happily looked forward to. The connection between myself and the contact with the ball. The balls flight through the air, the aiming at a target, the swing and rethinking of it all.

But just as I walked away without a second glance from a 13 year relationship I also pushed aside all we shared including those clubs which had been a gift. The clubs some how held us together I think. But just like our relationship, they didn’t bend and they didn’t change … and just like me they never said a word about why or when or what they may have been thinking. Perhaps because I just really didn’t know. Perhaps driven like the ball from the tee, somehow I needed to fly.

Thinking. I am a person who will trudge through without a complaint. But then I walk away leaving everything askew without it or them or a person or anything understanding or knowing or suspecting something was ever out of place. I realize there is a certain amount of wrong with this. How can anyone be expected to understand the game if I never divulge the rules? And I understand the confusion I leave behind but I also understand the tremendous amount of relief I feel when I finally turn that corner and never look back.

But now over 3 years later and another relationship weaving feelings weighed down by questions … I seek relief. Perhaps it is time to take the clubs out and take a swing.

Rainy Thursdays and thoughts galore

and this is all I have for now – I borrowed it from Jann Arden’s journal:

“…I had to think about what part of my life has broken my heart. What part of my spiritual life is broken? What is this, a metaphor for? I have lied in bed and thought about all the things that have weighed upon me over my 45 years; all the things that I have so quietly set on shelves, not to look at again. Or so I thought. Perhaps the things I have set aside, need to be hauled out and put underneath some light. I don’t want them inside of me whispering things into my heart anymore. I just have to figure out what they are.

I have been so very good at covering things up with a few laughs and racing through a day like it were my very last. I am good and dodging and shifting and ignoring. I say I don’t worry about things, but on some level I must…“

~ JannArden