Could it be a little less to the point? From my daily horoscope…

“But don’t worry; even though you don’t feel emotionally stable now, you’re really not any crazier than before.”

Gee thanks.

Sunflower Wednesday

Thursday winds down

“Be daring, be different, be impractical; be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.”

~Cecil Beaton (1859-1941) French philosopher

Keeping up with the Joneses

In the process currently of having hardwood floors installed in the house. The floor thus far has been installed in the living room and the dining room. Looks like the hallway and the two bedrooms are next. The floor well it looks shiny and new and damn spiffy. However it also has made me paranoid as every step I take causes me to worry that I might be leaving a mark or a scratch. I am trying desperately to convince myself that a scratch or a scuff would only add character to the floor … what I have learned is I am not very convincing.

Now I have to pack up and move all my computer stuff, books and other unmentionables (fill in with your own imagination) from the bedrooms into the dining room and living room before Tuesday. Hopefully they can get the floors finished on Tuesday because frankly these guys are leaving the cat skittish and me well I am feeling cluttered. And me well I don’t do well when things are out of order.

After the floors are finished I am going to get on the ball (I hope) and paint the dining room. Then the hallway. Then remove a cabinet door out of the kitchen, take it outside to begin the process of refinishing them. All the while I have to keep up with exercise, biking, finishing the books I am reading, adding distance to my runs, engage in more weight training as well as the painting and repair on the outside. I am sure there is more. Perhaps it would be safer if I dragged things out.

The only time frame I am on is my own, right? Isn’t that a thought we all should embrace or think or strive for?

Addendum: I decided to take off this afternoon and get a bike ride in. I knew it was going to be rough going because my thoughts were overwhelmed with all the things I need to be doing. I could not get in the groove in the ride. I couldn’t focus. Every bump and gnarly tree root popping out seemed momentous and a hazard. So it goes that it only makes sense that I would have my first tumble of the year. Unfortunately it was off a narrow space of trail down about 3 feet to the ground below. Woopsie. And yes I whacked my head (which was encased in a helmet). Getting out of the hole I was cussing and spewing irritation because the fall was due to my lack of focus and I know that. I went ahead and rode back over most of the trail which had caused me to fall. And what I did after the fall was to ride with an aim for all the tough spots rather than seek an easy way out. So to draw this to a close – looks like my head is ok (I hit the non dented side) and I didn’t break anything but darn my shoulder is sore. Oddly I don’t recall the impact on the shoulder.

Life will always throw us down when we are not paying attention. When we are not focused. When we allow things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, to draw our focus away from things that do matter..

“Right now, and in every now-moment, you are either closing or opening. You are either stressfully waiting for something–more money, security, affection–or you are living from your deep heart, opening as the entire moment, and giving what you most deeply desire to give, without waiting. If you are waiting for anything in order to live and love without holding back, then you suffer. Every moment is the most important moment of your life. No future time is better than now to let down your guard and love. Everything you do right now ripples outward and affects everyone. Your posture can shine your heart or transmit anxiety. Your breath can radiate love or muddy the room in depression. Your glance can awaken joy. Your words can inspire freedom. Your every act can open hearts and minds. Opening from heart to all, you live as a gift to all. In every moment, you are either opening or closing. Right now, you are choosing to open and give fully or you are waiting. How does your choice feel?”

–David Deida, from 365 Nirvana, Here and Now by Josh Baran

Rethinking

My thoughts have been running circles around my golf clubs which have been stowed these past few years, deep within my small cluttered bedroom closet. Wonders it is that such a small closet could manage to hide so many things. Even an entire set of clubs resting in their bag.

I was thinking lately of dragging them out, dusting them off and taking a swing or two out at the driving range. Somehow I have not as yet come to grips with why I pushed them into the closet without so much as a second glance. There was a time when playing golf or a trip to the driving range would be something I happily looked forward to. The connection between myself and the contact with the ball. The balls flight through the air, the aiming at a target, the swing and rethinking of it all.

But just as I walked away without a second glance from a 13 year relationship I also pushed aside all we shared including those clubs which had been a gift. The clubs some how held us together I think. But just like our relationship, they didn’t bend and they didn’t change … and just like me they never said a word about why or when or what they may have been thinking. Perhaps because I just really didn’t know. Perhaps driven like the ball from the tee, somehow I needed to fly.

Thinking. I am a person who will trudge through without a complaint. But then I walk away leaving everything askew without it or them or a person or anything understanding or knowing or suspecting something was ever out of place. I realize there is a certain amount of wrong with this. How can anyone be expected to understand the game if I never divulge the rules? And I understand the confusion I leave behind but I also understand the tremendous amount of relief I feel when I finally turn that corner and never look back.

But now over 3 years later and another relationship weaving feelings weighed down by questions … I seek relief. Perhaps it is time to take the clubs out and take a swing.

A poem. Sometimes that is all we need.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
but little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do
determined to save
the only life you could save

-Mary Oliver

The rest of the pictures

Birds In the Okefenokee Swamp, Pictures

Miscellaneous Pictures of the Okefenokee

Jekyll Island Pictures – Miscellaneous and Birds

Counting fingers and toes

Well I made it back. No harm no foul. I could easily sum up the kayaking part of the trip by saying the Alligators were in rare form. My fingers finally stopped trembling a day or so after I had kayaked. Really I had no idea how rambunctious they could be at the start of the breeding season.

Arriving at the place early on a weekday means there were not many other people waiting to go out in a Kayak. I mean I am sure that is why I was the lone kayaker – what other reason could there be?

The lady working the counter handed me a map and told me how by the time I arrived back there would be gators all over the place … right where I was to take the kayak out at. Oh joy. Do you know how hard it is to get out of a kayak without getting in the water? Impossible actually. After getting the kayak and grabbing a fantastic mouth watering sandwich along with a couple of bottles of water from the folks at Okefenokee Adventures, I was off into the tea colored water on a bit of a cool cloudy morning. What passed for clouds was actually a smoke filled sky caused by a serious wildfire which was heading our way. No worries there.

Nothing out of the ordinary took place during those first few relaxed paddle strokes. I managed to get some birds within camera range which is something I haven’t managed before, so that was a bonus. And given the drought conditions they have been experiencing the nice lady at the place gave me some ideas about where I could paddle and where it would likely be to shallow to get very far. But heck as she said (a woman who says things like oust yonder mind you) if it was to shallow I could get out and push the kayak or turn around. Because hey it’s not like the place was teeming with 8 foot long fat ass grumbly gators or anything… okay so it turns out it was.

This was my third trip down there and I have never experienced the type of behaviors these gators would end up showing me. It was rather strange truth be told. It started out that they were quietly stretched out in the water but the farther I went paddling in an area off limits to motor boats, and where for a few hours (the entire time I was in this area) I would see no one else, the gators appeared to become a little more interested in me. Of course having my semi new camera and a very new lens I wanted to take as many pictures as I could. Especially when I began finding all these gators out and about in twos and threes sunning themselves. Here are things to keep in mind, an alligator is exhibiting aggression when it lifts its head or when its mouth is wide open. Oh and by the way I don’t have a picture of the mammoth gator who turned its head as I paddled by, with its extra large mouth open wide showing me very sharp pointy teeth. By the time I saw that gator I had already been chased by no less than 4 maybe five gators all at least 7 feet long with big, and I do mean really big jaws. Two gators in particular both turned and barreled their way to the water just as I was almost passing them. One of them somehow became a bit tangled up in the trees and brush as it tried to get to the water.  Dam if it did not sound like a truck crashing through the brush. Thinking back, all I heard was the crashing and breaking of branches as I was paddling so fast at that point the kayak barely made contact with the water.

I think they liked me a bit too much.

Other than the kayaking I also took a bit of a hike around the area. While out walking alone, I heard what sounded like something large breaking branches and crushing leaf litter out in the densely wooded swampy area. I tried to wait and see if it would peek through to give me a glimpse of it – black bears are very common down there as well as gators, but it never did. I did see a snake, I think it was a yellow bellied water snake. It was to fast for me to get a picture of it.

Also on my vacation I went to the beach for some relaxation time. I certainly needed it after all that kayaking. The beach was located at another of my favorite Georgia places, Jekyll Island. There were no people at all just me sitting between all these birds and listening to the waves.

I have pictures … but I haven’t put ‘em up yet.

I can’t wait to go back again.

No title neccesary

what is shadowing you?

“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in our own sunshine.”
– Henry Ward Beecher